In the 5 weeks(wow five weeks already?) that I’ve been going on the subway, in and out, I’ve thought through a whole lot of things.. like the possibility of that special someone just seats away, a train-car away or even just a  glimpse away from me. I know I haven’t been open about these kinds of talks, but whatever, atin atin lang naman ‘to diba.. like anyone will ever read this anyway. Haha.

Sure, I’m not one to spazz and express over-excitement over a cute guy I just saw down the hallway or anything, unlike most of my girl friends, but that’s just because I also have my standards(AND loyalty to Lee Seung Gi. Teehee ;D). Even so, I still wonder, being the single-since-birth, 20-year old(Yup, I just turned 20, 8 days ago, Belateeed?) that I am, who it is out there that is destined for me… Just like that Sugarfree song, I wonder kung sino, nasaan, kelan ba sya darating. Or has he already arrived, it’s just that we haven’t realized it yet.. or that we’ve already been in touch with each other, we just haven’t realized that we’re the ones meant for each other. Baduy isipin noh. But come to think of it, is there really such thing as Destiny? And why is he taking so long when almost all my girl friends have their ‘other halves’.. but then of course, one can never tell. The person that’s right for them, may not be the one they’re with right now. LOL just saying. I guess it’s better this way, at the moment.

Let’s look at this way, there are times when I’d want company on these hour-long commutes, but I find it preferable to travel alone, so I can do whatever, think whatever, without having to consider anyone’s presence at the moment. It depends for everyone. As for me, being left alone at times when I want to is the best thing I love about these hour-long commutes. It gives me time to think, ponder and.. when I grow tired of it, give my mind a rest, without having myself isolated from the rest of the world. Although of course, having company is always better than none.

Often times, I imagine myself in a movie/documentary(yes, complete with camera angles.. go ahead, call me weird), or if you may, a book, talking, narrating about these mundane yet profound experiences I obtain as I navigate my way through life; Meeting old, new faces, getting lost and disoriented, walking through, across, here and there and again. Oh, the things I would document if I only had the time.. the right mindset and the camera!

Note to Self: Jot down my thoughts while on the subway. I really do come up with great blogging topics.. I just forget about them cuz I don’t write them down.. so yea.

Happy travelling guys!

As I have hinted, if not directly stated, I’ve become busy during the first two weeks of May(well, basically just these last two weeks that passed). Why? Well, I just got employed ( once again) by Timmies – thanks to Kevin who hooked me up – and, at the same time, was appointed as a volunteer at TSH – all thanks to Jean. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting both to come right after the other.. nor was I looking forward to working, volunteering and working this summer. I knew, the moment I found out, that I’m going to have to adjust to this huge change in my life, given the fact that it has been so long since I’ve mixed school with work, let alone volunteer.

I think 3 years had already passed since I worked and studied at the same time. And I wasn’t doing as great as I did without work, so I seriously don’t know what to expect now, juggling school, work and volunteer all at the same time. Hopefully it will be the opposite… cuz for the last two years I had in University, I didn’t have work, and I only got so-so marks.. whereas my other student counterparts had work and school, not to mention boyfriends/girlfriends, all at the same time and they were doing twice, thrice as great. Now, I know people are different, and yes, one cannot say who functions better at which situations.. but who knows? Maybe I’m better off, doing other activities than putting my whole attention, solely, in school? ..and I just haven’t discovered it because I just wasn’t brave/adventurous enough to take the risk? See where this is going with the whole, “what if” thing?

So anyways, being the positive thinker that I am, I shook the feeling of worry and fear of the unknown by talking myself into the whole aspect of juggling these three – or should I say four things.. the 4th being kdrama/kpop fangirling xD. I reassured myself I’m going to be fine.. I even told myself I’m going to need it anyway when it’s time to apply for Nursing school at UofT, which is true! I needed references from profs, my workplace/volunteer.. aside from that GPA almost every University Student complains about. Little did I know that these two extra things – work and volunteer – will eventually speak for themselves as well, through these two intensive weeks.

I know it’s not advisable to talk about work on a blog, but don’t worry, I’m not going to say negative things about it. Well, there aren’t that many negative things to talk about anyway. Like the usual first-days we all have, it’s inevitable getting off to a rough start at things… being shouted upon by the Supervisor for keying in the wrong order, not knowing how to operate their iced capp machine.. LOL what can I do? I’m new! Haha She should just be thankful I get orders right most of the time compared to others. But as it went on, day by day, work just kept getting better, despite those few people that make it less appealing. I’m happy that it did… and you know what helped me a lot, working in a stressful, fast-paced, most-criticized and misjudged workplace ever? Volunteer.

Yup. Volunteering. In other words, offering 4 hours of my time per week, to the sick and the needy. It taught me a whole lot, from interacting with people the right way, how to accomodate them and at the same time preserve and promote my individuality… because sometimes, working in fastfood can be pretty dehumanizing. Let’s face it. The moment you see a person, in uniform, behind that counter(whatever counter that is, may it be McDonalds, Timmies or whatever), you only think, oh he/she’s just a worker earning minimum wage. You don’t see a student, earning money in order to support herself  and her family at the same time. You don’t see a mother or a father trying to support their kids to the best of their ability.. Even supervisors only see that one mistake you made and nothing of the hundreds of things you did right. It sucks, but ’tis life. You can never get rid of these stigmas. I studied Social Psychology, and sadly, ’tis what we do… human nature, in other words.

But yes, going back to my original point, volunteer gave me another insight I’ve never had before when it comes to life. It changed everything for me. Now I don’t hate work AND customers as much as I did before. And I’ve learned to communicate effectively and play around with people… and by that I mean, joke around with them, rather than compete with them. What’s there to compete anyway? I know to some, it doesn’t matter, but let’s admit it, people have their pride to protect.. which is good, but too much of that won’t make things any better either. It’s not just from volunteer that I’ve applied things to work.. its reciprocal as well. Often times work also teaches me something about volunteer.. and ultimately those two, make for a much bigger understanding of what life is and how I should approach and appreciate it.

I know only two weeks have passed but I’ve learned so much already. It won’t be one easy ride, that I know, but it’s a road worth travelling by.

So for those people who find it scary to venture into other things, take risks! You’ll never discover what you might have in you if you don’t go out there and take chances. That’s what life’s all about anyway.

But it’s okay, I’m back, with a new layout at that, and a promise(yes, a promise!) that from now on(yes, from now on) I’m gonna blog here at least once a week about whatever, write a review for drama hour, fill up my newly-opened flickr account, and lastly post up a cover video on youtube. I wish to be active online again like I used to, but in a much productive way. Hindi lang yung puro tumblr, twitter and facebook. >_< I know that’s a lot to do with 3 courses + work + volunteer, but I’ll be fine. Hmph, to whoever told me I’m going to have a hard time, just watch me! I’ll prove you wrong! ahemrichardahem.

Anyways, I hope you like my new layout. It’s not a huge change from the last one, I just made it more me. The drawing of the clapper was made by me through my precious tablet, that which I haven’t used, unfortunately,  for the last 2 months as well. Oh, university life. Such a hassle. But of course, if it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t be a year wiser. Thanks UofT! Hahaha.

Anywho, as posted on my tumblr, let me share you  my Summer 2011 To-Do list:

• Clean up laptop of unnecessary things and re-organize files (Haha, I cannot start working properly w/o doing these things.. which explains why my Winter Sem got crappy. OCD anyone? LOL) [100% done!]
• Finish Brain Rules (it’s a book I started reading last summer.. didn’t touch it since the schoolyear started)
• Start that Writing Challenge @everythingsisa posted.
• Come up w/ a new banner/layout for my Tumblr and WordPress.. although I’m thinking of just keeping my Tumblr layout. Haven’t grown out of it yet. Hmm..[I think I'm keeping my Tumblr layout.. but I've changed my wordpress na(obviously)!]
• REVIVE my WordPress(Gosh, It’s sooo dead there. Tsk tsk.) [in the process!]
• Continue on w/ Project140
• Watch Kdramas. LOL I came up w/ a whole line-up!
• BLOG.
• Write, Write, and Write some more!
• Write Kdrama reviews on Drama Hour!(This goes under writing as well but I wanna make it a separate point.)
• Take Pictures!
• Read Jessica’s stories again. AND read the new ones she made.
• Start that One-video-per-week Youtube gig w/ friends again. Oh I miss those. Curfewbeefcakes let’s go?
• Filming. @zaghy2zy, @itsmegeee, @m43ch4n YES?
• Get my G1. Ya man.
• Make the most out of my Summer Semester.. and that means actually learning something, interacting w/ people, and enjoying it every step of the way. (Believe me, I’m sick of being one of them school robots that go to school just for the sake of passing the course, nothing else)
• Oh! Bake! I haven’t been baking!
• Play my guitar and piano like I used to. AND improve my drum-playing. I’m still learning >__<
• Save up for that Electric Drum Set.. nyehehe.
• Draw! I noticed I haven’t been putting up doodles and works of art lately despite owning a tablet.. but that’s just because I didn’t have time. So yea, I hope I can do that this summer.. hmm, and maybe make a business out of it! (T-shirts, designs etc.)
• Start reading another book.
• Lastly, Have Fun

I know it looks plenty, but it’s still doable. I’m not in a hurry to do them anyway. Well, I guess that’ll be it for today. Good luck to me, and Good day to you all!

Okay, first and foremost, I dropped BIOB11(Molecular Aspects of Cellular and Genetic Processes, gosh why the long name?) and PSYB57(Memory and Cognition). My standing on both of these courses are hopeless. Like come on, maximum grade of around 60? And that’s only if i get perfect on the final ..that, my friends, isn’t something I’m capable of doing. Unless of course, I cheat my way out of it, which is against my conscious so no.). Not that I’m grade conscious and all. I know I could pass them, it’s just that the chances are so slim. It seemed that studying for these courses will only be a waste of time, knowing I won’t do good on the test anyways. So what’s the use of having to go through all the effort (AND depression, upon finding out) for a failing grade? Besides, I know I could do better on those subjects, given the right combination within semesters, of course. Gosh, why didn’t I think of this earlier? Instead of ruminating, crying and thinking less of myself.. ugh Pau, you’re better than that.

Okay, moving on. That being said, this thought of “Science isn’t for me” started pushing through from the unconscious to the conscious. I always thought Science was something I can handle and stuff.. but it’s not something I love. Yes, there I said it. AND also, because I ‘decided’ to go to University of Toronto, that top world-reknown school in Canada(not that I’m bragging.. but my school has this kind of reputation), it gave me the realization that Science isn’t what I thought it was. *cue sound effect* TAN-DAN-DAN. [Exclude Psychology though, that's really something I want to study.]

Now, I know I have a good sense of both the sciences and the arts, but I feel I’m more into the Arts than I am into the Sciences(specially now that things aren’t really going well with the whole ‘imma-pursue-science/nursing’ thing.). Things like music, visual arts, graphic design, photography, drawing, animation, FILM, english literature, stories, philosophy(? Hehe, This.) and languages. Those are the things that I really love and care about. Unfortunately, the road for an arts enthusiast like me is very foggy. Everyone knows, something you love doesn’t always equal something you can live on. ‘Live on’ meaning, something you can use for earning the big bucks. Now there are people who’ve come out of their way to become the best in the field of Arts, be it music, directing award-winning films, designing, and writing… But it’s going to be a challenge, given the competitive measures put upon by society.

Well, There will always be competition at whichever path we take anyway(be it sciences/politics/arts), so I’m just going to have to deal with it straight on. I think that’s more of a challenge I’m willing to take, than studying something I don’t really love. If I chose the latter, I might end up hating myself and my school(which I really don’t want to happen), when I can be studying something else and still get the best of my life all at once. “Follow your heart and everything else will follow,” they say. Cliche, I know, but it means a lot.

I haven’t decided on what path to take yet, but thankfully, I have super understanding and loving parents. I know for sure they will understand. My dad’s only condition is, “take whatever you want, as long as you finish it.” My mom, on the other hand, like all mothers, only wants me to be happy, seeing how miserable i’ve become nowadays and how much I hated my life now and all.

My job now is to be true to myself, think things through in what I really want and stick with it. For the meantime though, I have to give my best on the 3 courses I still have. Hey, at least I have more time to focus on these! Lucky for me, UTSC’s offering new programs for year 2011-12. Re: Minor programs in Film Studies and Media studies! Interesting.

Okay.. magsusulat muna’ko ng konti to take my mind off things >.< Baka magsystem overload nanaman ako… mahirap na. Anyways.. I’m here right now in one of UTSC’s (ULTRA) quiet study rooms. “ooooohh” right? Haha.. this is actually just my second time staying here since first year. Been trying to push myself to study since our BIOB11 lecture ended, but it’s been 2 hours already (or three) so I might as well take a break.

A break in a form of writing a would-be blog post on paper. Why? Cuz I didn’t bring my laptop and if I did bring one, It’d still look weird blogging in a study space like this. Plus, my itouch is off limits (yes, I now have an itouch. I named it Quincey Jr.). It’s battery runs out too effin’ fast.

So anyways.. yes i’m now in the process of reading lecture 4 of Cell Bio. The topics are pretty easy to grasp. The only problem is that the test may be a killer, so I gotta have some reinforcements done in the case that the midterm will really be a killer. There’s nothing to lose so gotta study real hard!!!

But during the course of studying concepts from other Bio courses.. I’ve been really thinking if this really was for me. I’m someone who can have good grades in almost everything I study on(and put my effort into) but UofT changed all that w/ the heightened standards and expectations they have on us students. I now feel that maybe, maybe I can settle for something outside Biology instead. Like the Arts, Music or English.. just something less technical, less stressful and time-consuming.

If I were like my friends.. like Jean (who’s currently engrossed in her Cell Bio lectures more than I am), Daryl (who doesn’t have to study to keep his marks up) and Patrick (whose sole purpose in life is to generate a gene that would halt the growth of alligators so one can have them as pets) then i’d be fine too.. But i’ve come to realize that there’s more to it than just getting a  job in the medical/scientific field and money. Yes, the pay is goood, but I mean, I could have been someone else and still be as successful as those who pursue a career in the sciences, without having to “suffer” like this.

Ah, these thoughts. Maybe I’m just trying to avoid and run from the current situation. I know how it is with me. all of this ‘whining’ is just short term. It’s just that it makes me think about things that I try to repress because just the mere thought of changing my majors might affect and change my attitude w/ the courses I have now (total killer courses, I’m telling you). But no.. I must strive no matter what. Psychology is alright anyway, I’ve no problem with that. It’s the Nursing/Med School option I’m really worried about. I can scratch MedSchool for one, seeing how intricately complicated the medical field is(through my BIOC33 class) I mean I could finish a degree in whatever anyway. It’s just that these courses are way too much for me right now. But then I again, maybe I just need the willpower to keep going and I’ll be fine.

Okay.. I think that should do for now. Gotta get back to studying!

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Wow, I was able to generate a good 589-word post?! Maybe I should do this whole writing-on-paper-and-letting-my-thoughts-flow-through kind of thing often! Haha. Once a week. Starting now. I think it’ll work. Don’t you think? ^^,